The tale I’m about to tell is absolutely true. A dear friend of mine cooked up the following wretched concoction earlier today. 

The important thing is, however, to note the circumstances: we’re in Las Vegas, buried in stress, putting on an 800-person, big-budget event that happens in less than a week. We are stressed out and under the gun, and having to find nibbles whenever and wherever we have a spare 30 seconds to find them.

It is this– THIS– type of mindset– that prompted the following midafternoon process. I wouldn’t even know what to call this.

1. Take leftover bacon grease in a pan, left over from 8 pieces of bacon cooked in the morning.
2. Turn on the stove and heat the grease.
3. Take out 4 more slices of bacon, cook them in the old grease.
4. Take two pieces of bread, cover them in shredded cheese, and bake in the oven until the cheese melts.
5. Take mayo, slather it all over both pieces of bread.
6. Take the bacon out of the grease, and put on top of the mayo.
7. Here’s the healthy part: add a few small plum tomatoes. Put both sides of the sandwich together.
8. Finally, lay the sandwich on both sides in the hot bacon grease and cook.

This toxic mixture smoked up the whole house. Fortunately, it’s an old house and had no smoke alarm. Or maybe that’s actually unfortunate.