Tonight, I found myself taking a walk on the wild side: eating at a really scary Denny’s at a rather trashy casino called the Fiesta.

This was not an optimal combination of circumstances.

But then again, the chain of events leading to our being there was not optimal either. So at the time of evening it was, the only other option was McDonald’s… so really, it was the proverbial “lesser of evils.”

We ordered breakfast stuff, and it was basically dorm-level tastworthiness. But what really intrigued/horrified me was an ad for something called…

Potachos.

What exactly are they?!? An astute third-grader should be able to divine the ingredients given the name. I asked our waiter– a pleasant Brazilian fellow named Aldo– about them. He said “nnnn… they are… deeferent.” It took about ten seconds of arm-twisting to get him to admit that “I doan relly like dem.”

Needless to say, we did not try them.

The tale I’m about to tell is absolutely true. A dear friend of mine cooked up the following wretched concoction earlier today. 

The important thing is, however, to note the circumstances: we’re in Las Vegas, buried in stress, putting on an 800-person, big-budget event that happens in less than a week. We are stressed out and under the gun, and having to find nibbles whenever and wherever we have a spare 30 seconds to find them.

It is this– THIS– type of mindset– that prompted the following midafternoon process. I wouldn’t even know what to call this.

1. Take leftover bacon grease in a pan, left over from 8 pieces of bacon cooked in the morning.
2. Turn on the stove and heat the grease.
3. Take out 4 more slices of bacon, cook them in the old grease.
4. Take two pieces of bread, cover them in shredded cheese, and bake in the oven until the cheese melts.
5. Take mayo, slather it all over both pieces of bread.
6. Take the bacon out of the grease, and put on top of the mayo.
7. Here’s the healthy part: add a few small plum tomatoes. Put both sides of the sandwich together.
8. Finally, lay the sandwich on both sides in the hot bacon grease and cook.

This toxic mixture smoked up the whole house. Fortunately, it’s an old house and had no smoke alarm. Or maybe that’s actually unfortunate.

The other day, I found myself at a late-night party. I’m getting old and scary, so this doesn’t usually happen. I was unprepared for what I would encounter there– the description of which alone is enough to turn the stomach:

Marijuana-infused Everclear.

It was a putrid green color with a big branch in it. Bits of plant matter swirling around in it. The guy who had it had “bottled” it last summer, and had let it fester marinate cook cure for ten months. He said that “where he comes from” (Oklahoma) they called this “The Green Dragon.”

Needless to say, I did not take a ride on the Green Dragon.