Bubble tea + sudden unpreventable sneeze = tapioca nose rocket. It launched– without a countdown– yesterday at the Quickly in Alameda.
Category Archives: random hilarity
Huey Newton is holding on Line 1
Yesterday, I was walking the dogs in downtown Alameda, and stopped in the spa shop. I always stop in there because it’s dog-friendly; and also because I’m friends with the manager, Jenn.
While I was there, the company’s phone rang. Jenn looked at the caller ID on the phone and said “Oh shit.” Then wondered aloud if she should answer or not.
The name on the caller ID? In large capital letters: BLACK PANTHER.
Porsche Boxster vs. Ford Festiva
And the Festiva wins!
Yesterday I witnessed this spectacle. The Boxster had rear-ended the Festiva. The entire front of the Boxster was crunched; the Festiva was unscathed. It was a beautiful sight, and made the 20 minutes of stopped traffic completely worth it.
The ghost of Hunter S. Thompson
I’m kind of ambivalent about Hunter S. Thompson, but I had a rather crazy occasion once when I had to escort his widow to a bar. Story forthcoming.
Talk show hilarity
It’s been a few years ago now, but in 2002 I was asked to be a guest on a nationally-syndicated talk show. I can’t post details publicly, but if you ever catch me in person, ask me about it. I’m used to weird things happening to me, but this one took the cake.
Best IM conversation of the year…
…if not the last several years…
Between me and a friend of mine, whom I shall call “Numbnuts” to protect his identity.
——————
Numbnuts (10:17:37 PM): Dude I had the gnarliest dream ever
Me (10:17:51 PM): (corpulent middle aged mutual male friend) vacuuming naked?
Numbnuts (10:17:53 PM): last night I dreamt that someone bet me $10k that I wouldn’t cut off my nipple
Numbnuts (10:17:58 PM): and for some reason, in the dream
Numbnuts (10:18:05 PM): I thought that it wouldn’t hurt or anything
Numbnuts (10:18:13 PM): so I had one of those little pruning shears
Numbnuts (10:18:25 PM): and I reached down and cut off my left nipple
Numbnuts (10:18:41 PM): and this gigantic lightning bolt shot out of it
Numbnuts (10:18:46 PM): and blew a hole in the wall
Numbnuts (10:18:57 PM): It freaked me out so much that I woke up and called my brother
Numbnuts (10:19:08 PM): and then went back to sleep and forgot about it
Me (10:19:16 PM): WOW
Numbnuts (10:19:22 PM): I just remembered it again just now because he called me telling me how fucked up I was
Numbnuts (10:19:33 PM): and I had to spend an hour talking to him convincing him I wasn’t using again
Me (10:19:39 PM): HAHA
Numbnuts (10:19:42 PM): Blue lightning bolt!
She didn’t see the humor in it…
My phone rang a few minutes ago; it was a mystery number but I answered anyway.The person on the other end asked:
“Is this… is this the YMCA?”
To which I answered: “no it isn’t, but if it was, you could get yourself clean and you couldhave a good meal.”
She then just said “thanks” and hung up.
Nerd hilarity. -or- Why I love volunteering at the planetarium
Today I had my biweekly volunteer shift at Chabot Space & Science Center in Oakland. My days there are always an endless parade of people running the gamut from really annoying to really interesting.
I’m fairly knowledgeable about astronomical things, but I don’t even remotely pretend to be an expert… it’s humbling to be around some of the amazingly smart people there who put in far more hours than I do, and for no pay. Still, I’m pretty knowledgeable about the subject matter… but that seems to only guarantee that the proverbial socially-maladjusted geek will come along and try to one-up me (or one of the other volunteers).
Today, there was one who came and skulked around for a while, spouting off about various scientific topics to some of us volunteers and two even more geeky guys who appeared to be, essentially, his sidekicks. He talked and talked. He was easy to tune out, but I caught the tail end of what he was talking about because he delivered his final words with such conviction. Or more correctly, arrogance.
The end of (whatever point he was trying to make) was: “I’m 45 years old. I plan to retire at 47. And in my career I’ve amassed enough personal wealth that I can.”
And as he said this, there was but one thought in my head, which I regret now that I did not verbally state, despite the beauty in its direct simplicity. And that one, single, bemused thought in my head was this:
“Dude, you are wearing a wizard costume.”
“Hello dude, your sausage is really small” …and other verbal emasculations
Part of my job is to answer customer emails… and we, of course, get tons of spam. Much of it gets filtered out, but not all of it does.
Because “viagra”, “cialis”, and other variants of those (like “c1 AL1s”) are commonly caught by spam filters, I guess spammers have had to employ a bit of cleverness to get around email defenses.
That, plus a blatant appeal to the combination of male pride/insecurity always helps.
With that, I present to you some of my favorite email spam subject lines that my company has received lately. Yo comrade with small prick!
=====================================
–Girls prefer real things, not toothpicks
–Fucking a man with a small dick is like fucking a rabbit.
–lol man, why your one-eyed monster is so small? ;))
–Small meat not big problem anymore!
–Take your Award – Mr. Smallest ramrod 2006 😉
–We can double your one-eyed monster size
–Where did you get so small sausage?
–Size of John Holmes in a few days
–+5 inches or money back
–Adding few more inches to your weenie
–Are you still with short member? 😉
–Yo comrade with small prick! 🙂
–Why your prick is so small? 🙂
–small ramrod not big problem anymore!
–Why so small weenie man?
–Don’t want no short sausage man
–Could you reply why your Johnson so short?
–I salute your smallest meat of the year
–Hello dude, your sausage is really small
–is your Dick not stand up? your girl doesn’t like it?
–With Penis Enlarge Patch all your underwear will be too tight for you.
–The ability to look at smaller meats
Consider the following. –OR– I ♥ NY(e)!
A short anecdote in which Mig basks in the presence of a great personage. Please, dear readership, allow me to cluck about it for a moment.
A few Saturdays ago, I was doing my usual biweekly volunteer shift at Chabot planetarium in Oakland. Chabot was due to have a special guest that day: Bill Nye, the Science Guy. I correctly anticipated that they might bring him out to the telescope deck, where I usually work, so I had the camera in my pocket just in case.
I had the solar telescope set up and there were sunspots and solar flares to show a neverending stream of people. My shift was actually busy enough that I’d temporarily forgotten about any impending sci-lebrity encounters… when suddenly I saw The Man himself.
Not only did I get to (excitedly and giddily) get to meet him, but I got to show him the solar scope and the goodies that were visible in it. He was dazzled and amazed and had never looked through something like that before. (It’s quite a feeling to impress Mr. Science with something… scientific.) And he happily posed for a picture with me– a treat that only one other person was afforded as the Chabot Secret Service hustled him around.
He later gave a very interesting talk that I got to attend… Sadly, they didn’t get to me in the subsequent question-and-answer session, because I had the best question ever teed up:
Where do you go tie shopping?
A nice start to the year. I think the rest will be accordingly awesome.